November 10, 2020, Tuesday, 9:38am
Today is our 37th wedding anniversary. Angelo usually comes home for his break between runs. I was still sleeping when I heard him walk into the bedroom. He didn’t say anything to me, just changed his clothes and went downstairs. I caught a glimpse of him as he came in but pretended I was still asleep. When he walked out I thought I’m sorry but I just don’t feel anything special. Shrug. Then it dawned on me. Maybe he doesn’t either. And I asked God, how can I make this special?
Last night before bed I watched a short video in The Magic Is You. Michelle and Aimee were talking about pajamas and how this lady would over dress even to go to bed and I thought how silly I’m not going to buy pajamas just to look good but this morning I got the point. It’s not about looking good but allowing yourself to feel special being that we always put ourselves last and somehow sabotage ourselves by thinking we’re not worth it. It may not be in my mind but that’s what my actions towards myself is saying. It comes from our upbringing somewhere. Sometime in my life I was not paid attention to. I was not made to feel special even though my family may say it all the time but in my mind that’s not how I felt so now that I’m an adult I have to fight those feelings and get past it.
I know the biggest reason I constantly feel this way is because of my mom dying at a young age and I was only 5. Prior to that she was a working woman so I hardly had time with her. My dad, soon after her death, moved us out of our house and in to his mother’s house. She was mean and didn’t show affection to us. We hardly saw him either. I can see where I get those feelings of abandonment and aloneness which leads to, I’m not important or special. I can honestly only remember 1 birthday that was ever celebrated when my dad was still around. I think I was 8 or 9 and all it was was a cake. So these special occasions don’t come to me as special because I wasn’t raised to feel that way.
The first time I ever went to a real birthday party that I was so impressed by was my classmate’s. Her mom was our teacher so the class was invited to her house. There was a big party with decorations, party favors, games, cake and a spread of food. I’ll never forget it. The first time I ever tried fast food (McDonald’s) was when I was in high school when me and my friends went there after school and I almost never had money let alone treat my friends. It was embarrassing! I wanted to take ballet classes but it wasn’t important enough for my dad. I wanted to go to a private school but dad told me that it would be too hard for me. What kind of thing is that to say to your child? Sometimes I see the same traits in Angelo. I have to remind myself that he’s not my dad!!
The Bible teaches that:
Philippians 3:13-14 But one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.
Anyway last night he posted about our anniversary and didn’t say anything to me about it. As I was scrolling, I read it and it really touched me. So this morning after all my pity partying and Bible studying I made a post myself. I wanted to bluff his, LOL! That’s a good thing, I think! 😉 But it reminded me of how much he means to me. Sometimes we take things for granted or we don’t show our appreciation, especially to the ones closest to us. Why is that?! He is my life and my everything. Even through our tough times. Even when all we do is fight. Even when he pisses me off and irritates me. He’s still the one, and the one for me. He keeps coming back to me and I keep going back to him. Seriously, being married this long? I consider it as the biggest accomplishment of my life, and the one I’m most proud of!
As proud as I am of this, I’m even more proud of my relationship with God. Maybe “proud” is not or shouldn’t be the word? But if you’re a Christian I think you understand what I mean. I’m proud because of 2 things:
1). I bear His name.
2). He’s still the one!
He guides me through my days. He’s always there for me. He never lets me down. He listens. He talks to me. He treasures me. He loves me unconditionally. He is always good. He is strong. He is merciful. He forgives me. He is understanding. He comforts me. I mean, He is everything!
Speaking of Him being my everything, He is not exclusive to me. He can be your everything also! Click on the link below to see how!
https://lifeandliftedhands.com/category/the-plan-of-salvation-the-gospel-of-jesus/
Oh and btw, if you have time check out the things I have for sale in my Ecwid store! Click on “store” on the menu above.
THANKS FOR VISITING!
Amen!