I Don’t know How To Change and I’m Overwhelmed

Haven’t been on here again in a while. This has been the story of my life lately. I don’t know if I’m burned out or what. But I do notice that my motivation goes up and down like a roller coaster. When I’m up, I’m really up but when I’m down, I’m also really down.

When I started blogging, first of all I really wanted a blog. I wanted to do it for a long time. I thought it would be fun because I love to write and journal but it’s not just about that.

I didn’t know that I was supposed to come up with excellent content that would help my audience. I just thought I would write things like when I write in my journal. Just like how I’m doing right now. When they said pick a niche, I did. When they said pick a theme, I did. Same thing when they said pick my domain and everything else.

What I did not know is that it was going to be hard. It would take up lots of time. It would require some learning. Ok lots of learning. Especially for someone like me.

So today I’m not going to write anything helpful. I’m just here to dump my thoughts so don’t mind me if things don’t make sense. I get so many random thoughts so I’ll put them right here.

Well, in February, the 14th to be exact, I lost my oldest brother. He was only 60. A massive heart attack was what killed him. That was a big blow for me and I still can’t believe he’s gone. 💔 Dave had a heart attack at home and my other brother Fred, was the one who called the ambulance. On the way to the hospital he had already been unresponsive so they took him to the nearest hospital which is a military facility instead of the public hospital which was farther. A few minutes later the doctor wanted us siblings to come to a decision to “pull the plug.” There was nothing they could do for him. Well, if he couldn’t do anything I was praying for a miracle. But it was his time and no one can help that. I wasn’t there when my sister did it. The 3 of them were there on Guam and 2 of us were here in Texas. They said he went peacefully. But what got me was that before all that, as unresponsive as he was, he had tears welled up in his eyes. 😪 I couldn’t understand that. It was as if he was not believing it himself.

That same day we lost our family pet, our mini-Poodle, Bobo. We had gone out that day doing some shopping and came home to find him barking, laying on the floor, breathing hard, and stiff. Now if you know our Bo, he was an old soul so he didn’t bark much. So we knew something was wrong. We had him when he was 12 years old from a neighbor after my daughter dog sat him. When we took him to emergency we were told that he could be saved but his quality of life would be awful. We would have had to hand feed him, he wouldn’t have been able to walk and things like that. They also told me that he was in pain. I’ve never cried for a pet before but this time I couldn’t stop. I think it was mixed with my feelings of losing him and my brother at the same time, the same day, one right after another.

We set Bo up to be cremated and got his ashes right before we left. That was emotional too. We have kept his ashes and set up a memorial with his collar and picture in my office so now every morning we (or one of us) will say hi to him.

We went home for the funeral for 2 weeks. First we had to get covid testing and clearance before leaving Texas. When we arrived on Guam we had to stay in quarantine in a hotel for 6 days. Everyday a nurse came to our room to take our temperature and ask us the same questions, “Do you feel sick? Do you have a cold? Do you feel body aches?” etc. We got fed 3 meals a day, including fruit and dessert. That might sound like a vacation but we couldn’t step out of the room. Not even to set foot in the hallway. In addition to feeding us, we were given lots of bottled water. So much, that we had them stacked in the closet. Before we were able to leave the hotel, a covid test was taken and the results had to be negative, of course.

Being home was bittersweet. I was there mainly to say my goodbye to my brother and see him get buried. But I also was able to meet my 3 youngest grandkids. Boy, had I been missing out! They are so cute, smart and well disciplined. I don’t know what I was expecting but that was a really nice surprise.

Being together with my siblings was also bittersweet. We got to be together again but yet we were incomplete. I think I’ve mentioned it in one of my other blog posts that we lost our parents at a young age. I mean WE were young. The oldest was only 14 and I being the youngest, was only 5 when we lost our mom. I was 16 when we lost our dad but he wasn’t around much when we were growing up. So it was mainly just us siblings. They all took care of me in more ways than one. So losing a sibling was really painful. And I’m not the emotional type. I don’t show my feelings much but even as I write this I am tearing up. I still miss him so much. I still can’t believe he’s gone. 😔

A couple of positive things happened on this trip though. First, my 3rd oldest son who had been away for 10 years was able to go home for the funeral too. He is Dave’s godson (we were Catholic) so the three oldest of my kids were reunited. It was so nice to see them together again. They just picked up where they left off just like old friends do. And second, both of my daughters-in-law were baptized! I was filled with joy! It’s been a long time goal of mine to be able to reach them. This made me realize something. I do keep God close. I mean during the whole trip I think I only read the Bible once or twice. Yet it was the time that I actually reached someone. It was a productive trip. I was productive. I say this because I was struggling on making a decision whether to build the Young Living business. So this trip made me realize that I can do it AND still keep God as number one in my life. Anyway, now me and “my girls” study together every week through whatsapp. Thank God for technology!

Since arriving from Guam, I have been in a rut. It’s like I just can’t do anything. I mean I do cook. I do the laundry, wash dishes, clean the house, exercise, etc. But my hobbies have been on a standstill. I feel tired most days. My lab work, which I did before I left for Guam, was not that great. Everyday the time flies and I feel like I didn’t do a thing.

This is how my day went: I woke up at 6am. That’s super early for me because I am a night owl. Well the truth is actually because Ty woke up and I could hear him going up and down the stairs. That’s unusual for him too, to be up that early. I already knew something was wrong. Sure enough he had heartburn and went to get some coconut oil to rub on his chest. I don’t know where he got that idea but whatever. Anyway, I got up and rolled some digize essential oil on his chest and bottom of his feet. This stuff really works!!! Well I couldn’t go back to sleep so I went on Instagram to organize my highlights then I went back to sleep. Ty comes into wake me up to go walking at 8:45am. I tell him to give me until 9. So he did and I got up, got dressed and we were out of the house by 9:45am. Came back home, ate breakfast, had my coffee, turned all the diffusers on downstairs and did a story on Instagram. By 1pm we left the house to pick up some groceries and Ty’s medicine. Got back home by 3pm. Started cooking immediately so that I could hurry up and take a load off then work on something, anything, regarding my hobbies. Well, 5:30pm rolls around and I’m finally done cooking. I cooked 2 meals BTW, to try to have more “me” time tomorrow. I get off of my feet for maybe 30 minutes and doze off on the couch. It’s 7pm by the time I have dinner and 9pm by the time the table is cleared, dishes washed (I don’t use a dishwasher), and everything put away. And I have help! Both Geli and Jewel are helping. I come upstairs, literally I’m running because that’s early for me so I want to shower and write a letter or blog or something! Well now I see that Temptation Island is showing so I sit and watch and take in the straps from 6 of my masks because they are too loose, and I do this while watching this show. Another distraction comes along, Law and Order. So I watch that. By the time I get in the shower it’s 11pm so I shower quickly. I get done, clean my face, brush my teeth, oil up, brush my hair and it’s midnight! I’m like I have a few minutes to get one hobby done. So here I am. Blogging. And it’s almost 2am. And my day is almost exactly the same every time. I keep telling myself I’ve got to do something different. But I don’t know how to change this pattern, this routine. And I’m too overwhelmed to read one more thing that I have to learn.

BUT! I am so very grateful that I have the Lord on my side. I am a wretched soul indeed.

Oh and btw, if you have time check out the things I have for sale in my Ecwid store! Click on “store” on the menu above.

THANKS FOR VISITING!