Was listening to the song Hold Us Together, by H.E.R. She sang it with Tauren Wells. There’s 2 versions and I like both. Look it up. It’s a super nice song. I thought to myself, why can’t I come up with those words? Why weren’t those words mine? It made me feel like I don’t praise God enough. Which would actually be accurate because no one can! This was the jist of the sermon a couple of weeks ago. We cannot out-praise God. Ever. He’s done so much for us. He loves us, SO MUCH. He is our keeper and protector. I have never, ever, ever, been in the Word of God and not been encouraged. I have never, ever, ever, been in the Word of God and not be inspired. Still, I am grateful for music and song.
Getting back to the title of this blog post. I forgot to mention a few things that helped me grow and still practice, in the area of forgiveness. Maybe you’ll be able to relate to this.
Let me start with my experience with my mother- in- law. In my eyes she was a perfectionist. Her routine was to get up at the first peek of light, usually around 6am. She’d go have breakfast and coffee and read the newspaper. When she was done she’d make a pot of rice. Maybe she would start a load of laundry but for sure wash the dishes. There was never a spoon or cup left in the sink, ever. But whatever else she did in between, and it didn’t matter what it was, the whole house would be clean by 9am. Then she would sit and watch her game shows or we’d play a game of Yahtzee or spades or rummy. Next, she would cook lunch, eat, wait a few hours then take a nap. After her nap there was “marienda”, or snack time to be followed with cooking dinner and eating and watch some more tv. By 9pm or so she was showered and ready for bed. The next day she would do it all over again.
The reason I’m sharing this is because of the in between things that happened.
The things I had a hard time dealing with.
She was very hard working and had a caring heart although she didn’t show it well. She showed it in the things she did but not affection-wise. And I know now that the things she said that were hurtful at the time was probably not meant to be. It was not meant to hurt. But I constantly felt degraded and ridiculed even though all she may have been trying to do was help. It didn’t feel that way though and I don’t know if it was pride on my part or what but I didn’t like being told what to do and especially how to do it. (Reading this line again, and it spells P-R-I-D-E all over it!) That’s just not how I was raised. We did things on our own and didn’t have someone watching our every move. And I was already an adult and had my own way of doing things. But living in her house didn’t help. Two women in the same house is doomed to be a disaster.
All I wanted was to be accepted. And I never got to that point. When I tried, something would come in the way and tear things up for us. So when she spoke a certain way I reacted a certain way. But I wouldn’t tell her how I really felt because I have always been a peace maker and didn’t want to be the bad guy. Eventually, I built up so much anger and resentment. I don’t need to say that that is a very bad thing. It can lead to bitterness and bitterness can cause a person to be unforgiving. I just recently came to that realization. I had to ask myself, “Do I hate her? Have I forgiven her?” Because when I think of those times I still get that angry feeling. It’s not as strong but it’s there. The last thing I want is to die and not get to heaven and especially to be separated from God, because of this one simple thing. I say simple but it’s really not. Forgiveness is a process and it’s hard! There are times when I say I have forgiven and I feel peace and my love for her. But there are times when I seethe with anger. So have I forgiven? I don’t know.
I don’t ever want to make others, especially anyone in my family, feel the things she made me feel (and I’m sorry but I have to be honest here) because my self confidence was really stripped. I felt a lot of anger, discouragement, belittled, ridiculed, and to my astonishment, jealousy! I was jealous of my husband’s relationship with her. Especially because he couldn’t see my feelings and I was pushed aside as if I was second.
In the end, I have to thank her because it had the opposite affect. Maybe this is why I went through it. I mean everything has a purpose.
Another lesson I gained through this is that it is not okay to accept being treated like that. And it is not okay to tell someone else about your feelings other than the person it should be directed to.
My kids grew up hearing those stories. I didn’t know better and I didn’t know how to make it right or fix it or anything like that and I wasn’t a Christian then. I really wish I didn’t do that though. I was just so scared and intimidated by her that I didn’t have the guts to tell her what I was feeling. There did come a time when we did sit and talk and cleared the air. It was beautiful! I don’t know why it kept changing. Maybe partly because I was a jealous freak and partly because keeping my mouth shut wasn’t making anything better. In all truthfulness and fairness, how was she to know that she was hurting my feelings?
I learned a hard lesson from telling those stories because one day out of the blue, my oldest son who was an adult by then, brought her up and told me that I was wrong to do that. That he loved her because she was the only grandparent he ever knew. That was a hard pill to swallow. Especially because he was right. I want to defend myself here but I can’t. I have no way to justify myself.
I really hated feeling those things. Now when I hear others talk about their in-laws I just cringe. Thinking of myself being like that at one point in my life, disgusts me! And I teach my younger kids that talking like that or in any negative way, only reflects their character and in turn will make them feel those ugly feelings.
On the day of her death there were two things I felt.
First, I was thankful for the things she did teach me. And I’m glad I had the chance to tell her “thank you.” Yes, I did learn things. I learned how to cook certain old fashioned foods. I learned organization, tidiness, and cleanliness. I learned (and still in the process of) forgiveness. I learned love and affection. And how to raise children. I learned because I watched her life and I knew what I did and didn’t want to replicate.
Second, I was perplexed because when I asked for forgiveness, she turned her head away. I didn’t get an answer. Not a nod or anything. She left me hanging. This may be why I still get angry. I didn’t have any closure. When I think of it, it may have been because she didn’t want to die yet or believe that she was going to. And when people start asking for forgiveness, that’s usually the sign.
Her life was simple. She had 3 children that she had to raise alone. When they were adults she spent the rest of her life taking care of others: her parents, her brothers, other people’s babies. She probably kept her deep feelings hidden. I think she was probably more sensitive than any of us realized and very lonely. I can only imagine how she must’ve felt and it saddens me. That can cause anyone to be rigid.
So that was mom. Caring and simple. And these are the things that challenge me to forgive. And OMGosh! writing this has shown what’s on my heart that I never knew to admit; I’m a jealous freak! But don’t get me wrong, we were not like cats and dogs. We were civil. We did have some good times… I do have some good memories.. Things changed later on in our lives. We actually got along all our lives. I was just wounded sometimes and couldn’t let go of it.. Especially when I became a Christian. I was determined to let her see the Lord in me. But forgiveness is something I have to practice constantly when I think of the times that I was wounded.
Maybe the real issue is not that I haven’t forgiven her. Maybe the real issue is that Satan knows how he can get to me. So he brings it up to make me feel those ugly things. Maybe the real issue is that I need to obey:
Matthew 18.21-22 that says, Then Peter came up and said to him, “Lord, how often shall my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? As many as seven times?” Jesus said to him, “I do not say to you seven times, but seventy times seven.”
What is seventy times seven? It’s not only 490 times, it actually means to keep on, for as long as it takes. So this has turned out to be a learning lesson because I get to practice forgiveness!
This is how I do it: Whenever I get those ill feelings, I say out loud or under my breath if I’m in public, or simply in my head over and over, “I FORGIVE HER FOR THAT!” And I repent to my Lord up above and ask that nothing will ever separate me from Him.
*****This post is not intended to offend anyone so if you’re family and reading this I apologize.*****
Speaking of forgiveness…did you know that only God’s children get spiritual blessings? One can get blessings here on earth but spiritual blessings such as forgiveness and salvation are only given to those who are covered in the blood of God’s one and only Son, Jesus the Christ.
To get that information all you need to do is go here:
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2 Cor. 9:7